


maybe if they win, maybe if he falls in love, maybe if he's loved in turn

by horsetrackhiggs



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Trans Liam, at least that's were it starts, xfactor days
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 12:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5164046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horsetrackhiggs/pseuds/horsetrackhiggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>liam just wants to make it big, even if there are a lot of twists and turns down the path.</p><p>[trans liam ziam fic; set in the xfactor days]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

it's 2010 and liam finds himself standing on the xfactor stage yet again.

his hair is shorter than it was before, his chest feels so much tighter than the years before, and his voice has managed to drop enough to were he was ready, and didn't have a doubt in his heart that he couldn't make it.

"so, liam, seems you changed since we last saw you." simon said, and liam couldn't help but roll his eyes as he mumbled a simple 'yep' into the mic. "quite the young gal two years ago." he continued.

liam cleared his throat with a grin. "now i'm quite the young man now, if i do say so myself." he was in awe of how is own voice sounded over the mic, and the judges taken slightly aback from the drastic change from what it used to sound like.

"i'd have to agree, liam." natalie imbruglia laughed, and liam couldn't wipe the grin off his face. "what are you going to sing for us today?"

"uh cry me a river." he shifted from foot to foot, looking over to where he walking on stage from, knowing his family was back there.

"please, go on." louis walsh said, making a gesture with his hand.

'alright, alright' he huffed away from the mic, taking a deep breath. he knows as he starts singing it's a shock to some with the notes he's now able to hit.

liam's got a glint in his eyes and a cocky grin on his face. he's trying to work the stage best he can, keeping himself moving to put the anxiety causing him to shake under wraps.

" _now you say you're lonely_  
 _you cry the whole night through_  
 _well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river_  
 _i cried a river over you_  
 _now you say you're sorry_  
 _for bein' so untrue_  
 _well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river_  
 _i cried a river over you_  
 _you drove me, nearly drove me out of my head_  
 _while you never shed a tear_  
 _remember, i remember all that you said_  
 _told me love was too plebeian_  
 _told me you were through with me_  
 _and now you say you love me_  
 _well, just to prove you do_  
 _come on and cry me a river, cry me a river_  
 _i cried a river over you_  
 _i cried a river over you_  
 _i cried a river over you_  
 _i cried a river over you_ "

  
two of the judges are standing and clapping along with nearly the entire audience and there was this buzzing in liam's ears and he knew he made it. there was no way in hell he was going home, just just knew it.

his face was hurting from smiling and he was having trouble breathing, but for once not from his binder, but simply from being overwhelmed. everything was a blur after he got accepted across the board.

he can't remember what the said about him or how he reacted, but he was walking out with his family, eyes brimmed with tears.

he's going to make it, he's going to fucking make it.

 


	2. chapter two

it was the start of boot camp and liam felt out of place. shifting from foot to foot as someone was checking to make sure everyone was in the right category. liam stood with the guys, the only ones really talking being a lad named niall and one named harry.

they both had a big presence, but it two very different way. liam would like to believe if he walked over and talked to them, all three of them would get on well.

"you," the man checking said, pointing at liam. "over to the girls' section."

"what?" he responding, his eyes wide with shock, and a bit of fear in his heart.

"you heard me, over there." the man went to grab liam's shoulder, but he flinched away.

the older one was about to open his mouth when someone shouted "fuck off!"

"excuse me?" the man questioned, turning towards the culprit. liam believes his name is zayn. (of course, he knows for sure it is, zayn has too beautiful a face for liam to ingore) 

"liam," zayn said, gesturing towards him, "is a boy. so why would he be going with the girls?"

"well you see, liam isn't actually --" zayn cut the man off with a groan.

"liam," he laughed, a very light and airy one, walking over and throwing his arm around liam's shoulder, bringing him in for an awkward side hug. "liam, are you a boy?" he asked, and liam just replied with a confident nod and grin.

"see? he says he's a boy, now fuck off, will ya?"

the man frowned, and stormed away.

"thank you so much, like it really--" liam was cut off by zayn, who was shrugging.

"no big deal. only doing what any decent person would." he gave liam a smile and suddenly the warmth around liam was gone. zayn was back with the main group, getting a high five from a lad named louis. 

harry gave liam a small smile when they locked eyes, and it was as if niall hadn't even noticed what had gone down.

liam took a deep breath, fussing with his binder for a moment before taking a few steps over to where they were.

"uh, hi. i'm liam payne."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck im rly loving this fic already.....i just love trans liam.....i hope y'all enjoying....


	3. chapter three

they made it past the first part of boot camp, singing man in the mirror. liam thought they did pretty fucking good, especially since niall was set on making the other's laugh while singing, but everyone kept one their part.

today, the second day, was declared to dancing. liam wasn't super fond of it, he's real white when he dances, and he never really knows what to do with his arms. he just looks dumb. 

but he's going to force himself to do it, because he doesn't something as little as this to put him at risk for being dropped.

zayn, however, unlike the other boys, would rather have death than dance. 

"i'll look fucking stupid!" he whined, as harry crossed his arms over his chest with a pout.

"but zayn! you gotta!" 

"no, i'm not going to do it!" zayn groaned as harry stomped his foot, niall pulling on his arm.

"guys, just leave z alone, he doesn't have too..." louis mumbled, giving harry and niall both a look. harry just marched past him towards the rest of the case, and niall frowned, but latched to the other boy's arm and went after harry.

"zayn, you're going to have a chance of--" liam started, taking a step closer to his new friend.

"save it, liam. i don't care. i refuse to look like an idiot!" 

liam huffed. "dude, are you really going to throw your shot away?"

"what do you care?" zayn rolled his eyes, making liam hold his breath and try to pull his shirt collar over the strap of his binder that was showing. "you wanna win too, liam, so me getting out early would be good for you!"

liam's shaking now, his hands clenched. "if i have to lose to someone, it better be you, because you fucking deserve it. you're a good dude with talent, now get the fuck out there!" he demanded, his voice as low as could be and in a whisper. 

zayn just stared at him. the choreographer is calling for them. liam starts to walk away.

zayn is right behind him. smiling whenever he catches liam's eye during the rehearsal.


	4. chapter four

liam can't fucking believe it. he's crying, and niall is only a few inches from him, also crying, their knees bumping together every so often. harry was sobbing, while both zayn and louis seem to be indifferent.

he can't believe he didn't fucking make it, that none of them did. liam can't believe that he wasn't good enough.

they have everyone grouped up now, and liam's clocked out, leaning competely on niall at this point, who's leading them to where they are told to go. harry's spewing some shit about how they are calling the 5 of them back to make them cry some more, make good tv. zayn snaps and tells him to shut up, but he doesn't.

liam's still not listening, to whatever the judges are saying to them, his mind is just racing with 'you fucking suck' and 'you'll never be good enough's. 

suddenly he's choking because of niall's shoulder in his throat. everyone around him is screaming. the fake blond has moved on to hug louis now, and zayn is moving fast towards liam, who still doesn;t know what's happening.

"we're fucking making it! togther liam! they are taking us all back as a group!" he exclaims, throwing his arms around liam who freezes, and feels himself tearing up yet again. 

"fuck fuck fuck fuck." he mumbles into zayn's neck. "are you for real? fuck!" and zayn just nods his head and liam has never held onto someone tighter in his life.

so for the second time today, liam just can't fucking believe it.

they are fucking making it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao these first few chapters r kind of shitty and repeat a lot of the same thinking w/ liam but it's gonna chnag enow bc i rly needed to get to when they were togther and r in the judges houses u feel?? but this chapter legit sucked but the next one will be better and actally have more meantion of liam being trans which is what im goddamn here for


	5. chapter five

louis walks into the living room that he shared with his new found band mates, and quickly found himself frowning. liam was sitting is zayn's lap, binder tossed onto the coffee table hours ago, his body weirdly twisted to that one of his arms could go around zayn's shoulder's, the the other so his hand could be in niall's hair. niall his head in liam's side, his legs practically taking up all the space on the couch.

he gave louis a grin, and he sighed and rolled his eyes.

"what's got your briefs in a bunch, tommo?" nialled hummed, sitting up a bit more and moving liam's arm to drape over his own shoulder, messing with his fingers.

"i--" he started, pausing only because harry closed his book loudly, leaning forward slightly with his eyes squinted at the older by. "don't like how close you guys get with liam. always grabbin' his bum and laying on him and stuff..."

"why's there a problem with that?" niall questioned, both zayn and harry frowning, and liam burying his face awkwardly into zayn's neck. "ya always smacking our dear harold's ass, and ya clung to me the other night in bed because ya were cold!"

"niall, you know why..." louis mumbled, and the blond let out a laugh.

"well i don't." zayn spoke up, shifting so he could be more comfortable.

"because, yaknow, he's, like, different that us."

"oh, it's because he's got tits is it?" niall groans, and zayn's glaring at him. harry just looks on in disbelief.

"fuck, you're making him cry louis!" zayn states through his teeth, and niall flips around to wrap his arms around him.

liam just tries to sink into the couch more, his tear stained eye lashes fluttering against zayn's neck. he sniffs loudly and niall just holds him tighter.

"lou," harry sighs, forcing himself up in order to make his way to the other boy, placing a hand on his shoulder. "liam is just as much as a boy as any one of us. sure, there are some differences, but it's liam, and he's a boy." another sigh as harry looks over to the other three, then off in their own world.

liam's head is up now and his face is red. zayn's face is in his shoulder, mumbling something as niall is rocking them, which is really him just shaking them in an obnoxious way.

"you need to get over it and stop being a bitch. i know you don't mean to be transphobic, but you're coming off like you are." harry's suddenly gone, throwing himself on niall after the blond yells over; "yeah, stop being a bitch lou!"

"sorry, liam." he says as soon as their eyes lock. "it's new, and i don't mean to be a bitch. i'm sorry for upsetting you and if i ever say something like that again, punch me in the damn face. i know your a guy, and i'm sorry for treating you as if you weren't."

liam grins, struggling to get his arm our from under the others. "forgiven! now get over here!"

let's just say the couch wasn't big enough and they all hit the ground.


	6. chapter six

the big question was dropped when they all hung out at harry's for the first time.

"how did you know?" louis asked, which caught liam by surprise just a little, seeing as the older boy always wanted to avoid said topic.

"know what?" liam asked anyways, and louis made a face. 

"that you know, you were a boy?"

"well how'd you know, huh lou?" niall cut in, and liam let out a laugh patting the fake blond's knee.

"it's good niall, wonderful question actually." liam cleared his throat, shifting so we wasn't leaning into zayn as much (they were in a double fold out chair, the others sat in single seating ones).

"i guess, i just never connected with the idea with being a girl. i was always in the mud, hair tied up under a hat, some boy shorts on and a dirty tshirt. never cared about my looks like the other girls did. actually i care about it much more now that i've come out. make-up can do wonders for helping ya pass. anyways, i just kind of went on like that, cringing whenever someone would call me she or girl or anything in that ball park."

liam felt zayn slide an arm around his shoulders, so he turned his head slightly to see the other boy giving him a smile. he returned it, making a noise in the back of his throat as he turned back to the others.

"and freshman year i just kind of stumbling upon what trans was, and i was like 'hey! sounds like a good deal for me!' so i ran to my mother yelling something like 'mom i found a way! i found a way i can be a boy!' and she was like; 'oh li, what are you talking about?' and i was like 'mum i'm trans! i'm a boy!' and she was silent for a few minutes and went 'well if your happy liam'." the trans boy was grinning, knowing how lucky he was. at the time, he hadn't considered the possibly of not being accepted.

"wait, you mum called you liam before you came out even?" harry questioned, and liam chuckled slightly.

"no, i'm just not fond of my birth name; it's really not me, so i don't deem it important to share." 

harry just hummed in response with a slight nod, letting the other know he understood.

"please continue!" niall practically shouted, leaning forward to swipe up the bag of chips off the ground by his feet, quickly shoving one into his mouth.

"so we told the rest of my family, like, the one's who live in my house. they all accepted me; i'm so, i'm so lucky really. i mean, some aunts, uncles and cousins weren't okay with to, and i lost a few friends, but i was really fucking lucky." liam let out a shaky breath and everyone was grinning at him.

"well you're def accepted with us!" niall said with a mouth full, and the other three all chimed in agreeing.

the group fell silent for a moment, and then zayn cleared his throat.

 

"and your transition? if you don't mind me askin'..." he mumbled and liam leaned against the pakistani boy.

"s'okay. so soon after i came out i started going to a gender therapist, who was able to get me on testosterone." he started, and louis interrupted him quickly. 

"how long have you been on it?"

"nine months next week. take a shoot of 100ml a week. voice was the first thing to drop. then my shoulders got more broad. i wasn't the curviest dude, so it wasn't much of a problem but it's started to get rid of those. and i've gotten loads of leg hair." he laughed at the end, and zayn did a bit too. 

niall was shifting in his seat awkwardly ad he spoke next. "is it rude to ask about how you are doing to do with your chest, and uh, other things?" 

liam frowned, and harry leaned over to hit the back of his head.

"of course it is! you don't just ask someone about that!" liam smiled a bit at harry's response.

niall opened his mouth to start spewing 'i'm so sorry's, but liam started talking.

"harry's right, but it's okay niall. don't mind sharing, just don't go around asking people that shit, yeah?" there was another laugh, and niall's face was red as he nodded.

liam cleared his throat, and zayn have his shoulder a light pat. 

"well i do plan on getting top surgery, again, not big, uh, curves, but i would rather no wear a binder the rest of my life. and it'd be nice to be shirtless, ya know?" the other boys nodded with slight laughter.

"so for lower, uh, that shit's messy. i'm okay with not getting it. don't want to risk it ya know?" his voice is cracking and his hands are sweaty as he rubs them together anxiously. 

suddenly niall's in top of him, crushing liam between himself and zayn.

"well li, you'll always be accepted here no matter what! we love you tons and you're the manliest man in me heart." he yelled, with a laugh at theme end.

liam felt some tears gather in his eyes, and he was grinned as the other four all talked over one, spewing words of love and acceptance directed at him.

zayn pressed a kiss to the side of liam's head, and whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

"i'm so proud of you, liam."

so yeah, liam was a really lucky lad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter made me happy idk why


	7. chapter seven

they've only made it through the first round and they've already got tons of fans waiting outside for them. it was overwhemling, to say the least. a mixture of mostly teen girls screming at them, adking for pictures and what not. they boy were happy to comply, the smile never leaving any of their faces.

with the fans, sadly, also came lots of media attention. at first, the boy were excited about it, basking in the flashing cameras and people asking them all these questions. they knew at some point they would tire of it. the cameras, the being followed, the same old quesions over and over again, but for now, everything was good.

the first time they were going to be name dropped on tv other than the xfactor, it was an understatement that they were buzzing.

the group of teens piled onto the couch, louis taking the floor, fitting himself between nial's legs. zayn sat on top of liam, his legs in harry's lap who was pressed aganist niall. it shouldn't be comfortable, but it was. it was them, and that's all that really mattered.

"british boyband, oh god, really?" niall groans as the woman on screen beings to speak of them. "i swear, if this keeps up, i might leave the band!" he laughs, and harry eblows him with a pout, which makes the irish boy quickly mumble a 'sorry'. the rest of the boy's laughed.

"don't worry, ni. we'll never forget, and we won't let anyone try to say otherwise." zayn grinned, and louis gave a cheer, followed by one from liam, which just turned into all five giving shouts and still laughing loud, proabably pissing off everyone else. but that didn't matter, because all that mattered to them was one another, you see. it was a bit intsense, their friendship already, somwthing that seemed too good to be true, but it wasn't, that they were sure of.

they all fell silent when the male co-host of the show let out a bitter laugh, his eyes rolling. 

"boyband?" the man said, shaking his head. "one of them is a girl! pity they'll never make it because of that, if i were the other lads, i'd just--" the rest went unheard, because the tv was flickled off.

liam was holding his breath as zayn moved so he could wrap his arms around the younger boy. 

"don't listen to them, liam, you're a boy." harry says softly, reaching over zayn to grab liam's hand.

"yeah, that guy's is talkin' out of his ass. he don't know shit." louis grumbled, sliding across the floor and resting his head on liam's knee. 

"we love you so much, liam." niall all but shouted, moving behind the couch and climbing ontop the back, placing his chin of the top of liam's hair. "we could never be a band without ya, never ever. need ya too much."

liam lets go of a shaky breath, one that comes out like a weak laugh as tears start to fall. the rest of the lads just move in closer, their breathing almost in sync.

"fuck everyone else." zayn whispers, nudging liam's face with his nose. "we've got great fans." the others hum is response. "and we've got eachother, and if i'm bein' honest, that's all we fuckin' need."

no one needed to respond, because they already knew that was an unspoken truth among the five.

"i love you guys." liam finally said, sniffing slightly as the rest backoff slightly, all still holding to to liam in some way.

again, nothing was said. just a wide smiled shared between the group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this stright up took me forever to update because im writing this is such a weird, and like i said before, repititive way. but like, it's important to write it that what because most every chapter has a main point to it and i need to make sure that it's clear.
> 
> also im still crying over pillowtalk #ripme
> 
> tumblr: dropthezingle  
> 1d/zayn twitter: 2011narry

**Author's Note:**

> so im writing a ziam bc it still owns my gay as and i lov trans fics so why not, make my fav, trans! anwyas this wont have the longest chapters, but yeah!! anyways i hope u enjoy im rly excited about this one!
> 
> follow me on tumblr @defendcalum
> 
> follow me on wattpad @2k15calum


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